I want to be better...

Are you ready to rumble?? Seriously are you? That's what I feel like I am doing..preparing for a throw down... a holiday throw down. Except I cant quite get "there". Know what I mean? But its not just a holiday throw down..its a life throw down... Let me give you a glance inside of my head...please keep all hands inside of the ride...please remain in an upright position...and for safety sake do not unbuckle...ever.

My house is not clean. I don't mean it is dirty..well you know a little dirty but mainly its just stuff is piled here and piled there and watch out your going to step on a lego...or a hot wheel...or a tiny action figure..trust me they all hurt the same. The lego curse is alive and thriving in my home. I have a thousand things I need to get done before the baby comes. Projects that I need to attend too.. Like the stocking of my freezer with meals that my husband can easily help me prepare because I have to have a C-section. I am not due until Jan 22nd.. I wont make it that far though. I will be lucky to make it until Christmas. I am already having contractions with her... I have had a few almost hospital scares where the contractions all the sudden pattern up and you can just tell they are getting closer together.. I haven't had to go to the hospital yet to get the shots to stop it but only because this is not my first rodeo and I know all the tricks...so far those little tricks have been good enough.. but there will come a day where they aren't anymore...and that day is coming and it will be soon. I know it without a doubt in my mind. The thing is my contractions aren't for the most part because I over do it. Its just something that happens to me. My Dr described it as an incompetent uterus.. like all the sudden boom it goes stupid... So anyways its not really a shock that there is an organ in my body with a less than stellar i.q. The point of this post is that the holidays are right on me and I am so not ready. However I want to be really honest... I'm never ready... this year just happens to hit me where it hurts. There is an inside story to why I am even more off my game than I normally am. I turned 31 this year on April 18th. No age is not what is kicking me when I am down. As a cancer survivor age doesn't bother me much. It means I am here for another year.. but 2 days after my birthday on 4/20 the worst day of my life happened. I was driving down the road going to walmart with my then 3 year old while my husband and 2 year old were at home taking a nap. I had been anxious all day. I kept feeling like something bad was going to happen. My cell rang and before I picked up I knew something had. My grandpa...who raised me... who brought me home from the hospital was in a really bad accident on the farm. I knew as I had turned my car to follow the helicopter he was being carried in that this was it he was gone...one day I will tell the whole story... because I remember it so clearly that it kinda feels like I was watching a bad movie not living it...but right now at this moment I don't want to relive it. I survived a few gatherings this summer where he wasn't at the table...but the holidays were his. The man loved to eat... I cant think of a single memory of a dinner where he wasn't there and he was the life of the party. I have felt different since I lost him. I know its depression. I know the symptoms. I haven't had the energy I had. I also quit doing my part time business... that's a whole different story... I was accomplishing one of my greatest dreams. I just stopped it though..and so far haven't restarted it. This would normally be my busiest time of year. I sold jams, jellies, baked goods and country crafts. I have just been dragging really through life lately... I really thought I would be one of those moms who had her shit together....but guess what..  I am one of those Mom's that occasionally has pieces of it together...like half the puzzle..but then a good stiff wind comes and blows it all apart again. I read alot of Mom blogs and all I can think is... Some of these chicks are apparently taking good drugs... What is it? How do I get some?  I mean yeah I can play a good game in the kitchen. I mean I could possible score a few points of off them...because the kitchen is my escape I guess...but as soon as we leave the kitchen my ass is going down...because while I was in the kitchen trying to perfect my recipe for lets say Stroganoff... Mrs. Perfection got all down with her bad self and Martha Stewarted her entire house... The way my house looks I am pretty sure Martha would have it burned down. Anyways I guess what I am saying is I only have 2 kids and still am barely keeping my head above water... What happens when I add the third? I know this post isn't what you wanted to read.. you wanted a joke and a recipe.. I guess this is basically me searching for a recipe.. a recipe for my life... Like I need a recipe to be a better housewife...a better mom...a better wife... I just need a recipe for a better me... So maybe I will start posting my attempts at getting it together. I cant be the only Mom that feels like everyone else is doing it better... Everyone else has these days too right?


Im going to link up with some other Mom's @ Mommy Moments and Mom's Monday Mingle.